Confusion
by no-tracing-herman
Summary: Sam is confused. About everything. Blaine Anderson finds his secret journal explaining his confusion and wants to help in every way he can.


_It's hard to explain. How can I tell you when I can't even tell myself? I fucking try! I try everyday to man up and just face it head on. It's hard. How can I even start to pretend to understand something that I never will? Or maybe I will one day but today I genuinely don't think I will. _

_You're just so perfect. You sing so well, and your dancing is so sexy, and I think I like you. I think I like you more than it's natural to like a boy. I think I want to kiss you. I think I want to curl up in your arms and never leave._

_You're just so fucking honest, and true, and compassionate. I want to be with you more than anything. I think. I just...I don't know. There is this nagging voice in the back of my head. _

_"You're not gay, Sam."_

_"Didn't you used to fancy *insert generic girls name here*?"_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"You want him." _

_"Why?" _

_That's my problem. I can't fucking answer any of those questions. I don't even know if I want you. Not really. I think I do. I can't risk making this huge declaration just for something I think. Let's face it, it would be a huge declaration, no matter how it should be natural to tell people I'm questioning my sexuality. No matter how many people had a 'gay' experience and turned out to be straight. Normal. Whatever. If I said I had *feelings* for you, they'd freak. Good or bad they'd still freak._

_Blaine._

_I even like your name. Blaine. It sounds good. I like the way it sounds. I like the sound of it so much that I slip it into everyday conversation. I talk about you too much. I think I'm obsessed with you. When I'm with you I just want to find out everything there possibly is to know about you. When I'm not with you I just want to tell everyone about how insanely awesome you are. _

_I like the sound of your name coming effortlessly off my tongue. I like how close it makes me feel to you. It might sound really pathetic but I feel like your name is a part of you that you've like entrusted me with or something...I told you it sounded pathetic. _

_I like you._

_I think._

_I think I like you. I don't know though. So I just keep my fucking mouth shut. Part of me hopes you'll notice. Part of me hopes you'll just move to the Bermuda triangle or some shit so I never have to see you again and I can push the stupid thoughts to a deep, dark corner of my brain._

_I like you. I think I do. I think that I want you more than anything. I only think. I don't know. This is so fucking confusing. I just wish I knew, you know? I just wish I knew everything. _

"Sam" Blaine called into the bathroom as soon as I shut off the water "Are you nearly done?"

"I won't be a second" I said shoving my sweat pants on without drying properly figuring that means I can talk to Blaine quicker "Why?"

"I just...just hurry up okay?..." He sounded a bit off. A little distant. Not at all like Blaine. I shoved a t-shirt over my head and quickly ragged at my hair with the towel. I walked out to see Blaine looking a little shell-shocked.

"What is it?" I asked suddenly scared. He looked so fricken lost.

"It's just...I don't know how to say this without you getting mad..."

"Mad?" I laughed slightly but he tensed up even more "I don't think anything you could do could ever make me mad, Blaine. Say something, you're kind of freaking me out"

And he was. He was wiping at imaginary sweat beads on his forehead and his eyes were darting around as if they were trying to look at anything but my own. He was avoiding my eyes. He was avoiding contact with me. That actually kinda stung a little.

"Well?" I huffed impatiently. I was getting kinda scared at him just gawping at me like a fish or some shit.

"I found this..." he lifted up his hand and there was...a black journal. _My _black journal. I felt a lurch in my stomach and I swear my heart decided it would rather lodge itself painfully in my throat.

"That's mine" I managed to squeak out. It was actually embarrassing. Squeaking like a mouse or something. In front of Blaine.

"I know it's yours Sam" Blaine sighed and rubbed his face roughly with his hands "I shouldn't have read it. God, I'm the worst friend ever. I've betrayed your trust and I would completely understand if you never ever wanted to talk to me ever again...I'm a jerk. It was completely inappropriate of me to betray your trust like that and..."

"Blaine!" I said sharply "Blaine, it's okay" I knew I should have probably been mad or something like that but he seemed so sad, and he was talking about feeling ultra guilty, and I didn't want him to feel guilty. Even if he kinda should feel guilty, I mean he did betray my privacy a little but still...it was Blaine. I could forgive Blaine anything. He could sleep with my sister and I'm sure he'd be able to talk himself out of it. But he's gay and she's young so that's perverse and a really inaccurate...hypothesis?

"I thought you were dyslexic?"

"I am" I shrugged "I just concentrate ultra hard when I'm writing in there. My doctor made me write it anyway. He said it might help with the dyslexia. It kind of is..."

"I shouldn't have read it...I'm sorry..."

"I told you it's okay. Yeah, you shouldn't have read it but you did, and it's done now" I shrugged "No big deal"

"Do you know what I read?"

"From that incredibly shocked look plastered on your face I'm sure it's the most recent entry." I sighed and repeated his gesture of rubbing my hands roughly over my face. It's a stress thing I think. Or a 'I don't know what happens next' thing.

"Urrrm yeah..." He shifted uncomfortably on the bed "What exactly did you mean...?"

"I don't know. If you'd have read it properly you'd see my head is pretty messed up right now" I bit my lip and I could sort of feel tears prickling in the back of my eyes but I didn't want to let them fall. I didn't wanna look weak in front of Blaine. I wanted to be able to talk about this. I wanted to run away. I didn't really know what I wanted. That was kinda the whole fucking problem.

"Not messed up" Blaine met my eyes finally "Just confused"

"**It sucks**" I screamed.

Blaine blinked and a stray tear fell from one of his eyes. I didn't understand why he was crying. "Wh-why didn't you - Why didn't you tell me?" He asked a few more tears springing from his eyes.

"I don't know I was just scared I guess...I just don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know" Fuck. I was crying now. I couldn't stop it. Neither could he by the looks of things.

"Do you...do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really" I turned away trying to bat a few tears away from my cheeks and end the awkwardness of this whole fucking conversation.

"You don't?" Blaine chocked before a few sobs broke free from him again "Do you not trust me?"

"Yes. Blaine I trust you, okay? I trust you! It's just..."

"It's just what?"

"It's embarrassing!" I hissed "Don't you get how fucking embarrassing it is? I don't even know who I am! I don't even know what the fuck it is I like! How can I ever expect anyone to understand what it is I'm going through why I don't even know myself"

"You know-" Blaine sighed calmly. He patted the spot on the bed next to him and I sat down. I didn't know what else to do. Running would have been kinda pathetic. "You know sometimes you don't need someone to understand. Sometimes it's enough to just have someone listen. I don't want you to keep this all bottled up inside because I r-really care ab-about you Sam"

"You care about me?" I whispered feeling butterflies flying round in my stomach. He nodded slowly.

"I've liked you a while actually. As m-more than friends." Blaine sighed and then met my eyes "But I don't want to push this if you're confused. I don't want to make this whole situation worse than it must already be. I just...I want you to be honest with me."

"It's hard" I coughed and directed my attention towards the wall "I've just built up this barrier around me and it's hard to knock it down. Especially when no one cares enough to barge it down for me"

"Sometimes-" Blaine placed a hand on my knee and I jolted under the touch. He flinched but I put my hand on top of his to let him know I was cool with it. The contact had just shocked me a little.

He giggled before starting to talk again "Sometimes, I genuinely think people don't care enough to scratch the surface. Maybe they're just content with the lie. We're all lying to some extent, no one bears their whole soul, but no one questions it. We just pretend the person we see is the person they are, but that's not true, not even a little bit. I care, Sam, I truly do. I want to scratch the surface. I'm not content with the lie."

"You're smart" I chuckled "and observant. You notice things about society other people don't. You talk like you're making a speech. I like that. You should go into politics or something."

"Thank you" Blaine blushed "But please...stop deflecting."

"I'm not" I stared deep into his eyes and willed him to understand "I think you're amazing Blaine. I think you're..."

"Insanely awesome?" He chuckled and I flared up in embarrassment again. I managed to nod though.

"Yeah...I think you're insanely awesome"

"You aren't so bad yourself" He smiled charmingly and threaded his fingers into mine."Sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable..."

"No, it actually feels kinda nice."

"Sam. I like you. I know I like you. A lot and well..."Blaine breathed in and out slowly "I don't want to be an experiment. I don't want to be pulled along by a string only to discover you were never really into me anyway. I want to be with you. With all of you. I want to be able to hug you, and kiss you, and talk to you about feelings, and get coffee with you, and walk through the park with you, and just be with you. I want to hold your hand..."

"You are holding my hand" I whispered before looking up too meet his eyes "I would never lead you on, Blaine. I don't know how I feel about you exactly. Well, at all really, but...I'd never just use you"

"I know. I just...I don't want to get hurt and-" Blaine looked more sincere than ever as he composed himself "I don't want to hurt you, Sam. I don't want to lose are friendship. You matter to me, Sam. You matter more than anything."

Before I knew what I was doing my eyes were closed and our lips were brushing against each other softly for no more than a couple of seconds. I pulled away blushing madly. It had felt good. I'd liked it. It definitely felt as good as kissing a girl felt.

"Sorry" I whispered.

"What do you want?"Blaine asked his forehead creased as he stared at me confusion plastered on his features.

"I want to see what this is" I sighed honestly "I want to see what it's like to be with you. I don't want you to be an experiment, Blaine. More like a learning curve? Or something like that anyway. I'd never lead you on. Ever. I...I...I just wanna see where this goes. I'll tell you how I feel, like, every step of the way so you never feel used or whatever...and...and...sorry...you shouldn't have to do this. Lie and be all secretive for me when you're out and proud and...just forget I asked."

"I don't want to" Blaine said his voice soft as feathers "I want all those things you said. I want to be with you and if you're not sure about...about your feelings than I'm perfectly happy for it to remain private. I wouldn't go so far as to say we're being secretive because it wouldn't be a secret really, it isn't something we'd be ashamed of, just something we aren't quite ready to broadcast."

"Are you sure?" My heart was pounding in my throat again, and damn it, I really wanted him to say yes. I wanted to be with him. At least to see where things might go.

"I'm sure. As long as you follow one rule: I want us to be completely honest with one another about our feelings at all times. I don't want us to push bad feelings to the back of our minds, Sam because I want us to stay friends whatever happens"

"Of course. I'd do anything for you Blaine. I like you a hellovalot more than any other boy I've ever met in my life. That's why I'm so confused about all this" I chuckled before his lips slammed into mine forcefully.

I returned the kiss as best I could but I had a feeling he was more experienced than me. His tongue crept its way into my mouth and mine tried to keep pace in this kind of awkward dance. For the first time in my life I actually kinda liked being awkward. I actually liked not quite knowing what I was doing, because in Blaine's kiss there was a promise that I would find out how to do this properly.

He would teach me all there is to know about kissing.

Maybe one day I would know how I feel about girls, about boys.

Maybe it wouldn't be today.

Maybe it wouldn't be tomorrow.

But it didn't really matter. I liked him. I liked him a lot and this felt so good I never wanted to stop. One day I'd know who I was. Until that day Blaine was prepared to help me out in every way he possibly could.


End file.
